Many of us get a mental picture of what we look like. And honestly, mine was the body I had when I was 19 and about 170 pounds. Not perfect, but that nice curvy body that made me think my body was beautiful, just a bit more full than others. However, seeing this picture told me otherwise.
I was born in August 1968. I live near NYC and have been here since 1993. I have two babies. One is my husband, Paul. We got married in April 2003. The other is my cat. Of course, she thinks of her self as my owner, but that is a cat for you.
I love art, music, reading, movies, medieval recreation, spending time with friends, gaming and anime. I suppose am a bit of a geek. Okay...okay...a lot of a geek. *chuckle* Currently, I work for a book publisher doing desktop publishing and database work. I love publishing a great deal as there are some wonderful folks in the industry.
I joined Weight Watchers (WW) in October '98. I was 340 when I started. There are times when I am more off program than on, but when I am focused, it really does work.
When I began my journey, I was very 'overweight'. That is a physical decision, not a vanity one. I love big, beautiful forms. I have always found that in woman that more curvy looks better than rail thin...or even what is supposed to be 'normal' (but isn't).
I have been 'overweight' since I was a kid. As a child, I was always pointed out and called names. 'Beached Whale' and 'Fatso' being the most typical. Kids are cruel, but this is nothing new. I made up for it in a way by focusing on the mind over the body. I turned to books, art, science and more. And I won't lie, I turned to food.
Throughout school, I always had a good friend with a few acquaintances. My best friend from 5th grade or so until the end of high school was a girl named Myndi. She was larger than I was yet people were drawn to her. She had a charisma that seemed to attract people and thus, I made more friends through her.
In some ways, she helped me a great deal. Yet, it enabled me to overlook my weight. It was easier to be heavy as she was too. Then, to draw the attention of the weight to something else, we both got more and more into new wave and alternative music. We started to dress 'strange' and thus, the attention was redirected. Not that the weight slams were gone, but they weren't driven my weight as much so it was good.
More and more, we began to have a circle of friends. It was insular but in many ways, it really fostered me. It gave me a chance to develop who I was in a safe place. With a group of friends who were willing to accept me for being an individual rather than having to be 'normal'.
The first time I joined WW was when I was 14 or 15. It was at the urging of my sister-in-law. She has been a long time dieter and decided that it could solve all my woes. I walked into a room where everyone was over 25, some much older... It was a pretty daunting experience.
I admit, I didn't stick with it long. The program was far more restrictive back then. It included things like how to make your own ketchup and strict rules about what you could eat. At that age, the last thing I wanted was more restrictions. And I didn't much care for my sister-in-law, which didn't help much either honestly.
My family has always been a rather interesting sticking point with me. My mom was quite heavy-set until about 67, when she was put on a strict diet by her doctor. She took off the weight but it was a struggle. All of my brothers and sisters struggle with their weight to varying degrees.
In many ways, it has enabled me to simply say, it is in my genes. It is beyond me. But I know that isn't the truth. Yes, it will be a struggle, but I can't put the blame elsewhere... I can say the deaths of my parents were a reason... I can say that I was eating to fill the hole that was left after my dad died when I was 12, then my mom at 16. That may be true. I am not sure, but that can't be a reason any longer... I must go forward and stop making excuses.
My first year of college I had the truly amazing opportunity to go to Switzerland. Due to lack of money to spend on food and a ton of walking, I got down to about 175. People praised me, told me how great I looked and indeed, I felt great...
Then I did something very moronic to lose an additional 20 pounds. I am not proud of it, but I began throwing up after eating. The one meal a day I was eating was to be purged as it was bad and might make me fat again. Scary, but that was my logic.
As odd as this sounds, I thank the heavens I had to go home that summer. The bathroom door didn't serve as a sound barrier. If anyone was home, there was no way I could purge what I ate. It was a blessing as it meant I stopped. And haven't done it again in my life (other than due to illness). Thank heavens for the little things...
But after that experience, I suppose I made excuses. I took the attitude that my behavior was so screwed up that I shouldn't try to lose weight. I thought that I was just supposed to be fat. That was just how I was and that I should be happy with it. I recalled what happened when I tried. I looked at it as I could either be thin & throw up or fat & eat. And fat sounded a whole lot better because at least I could enjoy food!
During that summer moving into the next year of college, I found people who found me sexual attractive for me. Before that time, I had only had one person who attracted to me. Of course, I had grown up in the same school system from kindergarten to 12th grade so that did have a huge affect on this. Hard to find someone attractive when they recall you eating paste at playtime. *chuckle* But it had affect my believe in my level of desire.
Coming into my own as a sexual creature did change so much for me. It gave me a sense of power I hadn't known before. It was a wonderful experience. It took some time, but even as I gained back weight, I felt good physically and was happy with life. I began to become happy with who I was and where I was in my life. And I am happy for that.
This happiness with my body and my physical being lasted until I was about 25-26. Then, things started to change. Years of putting on 10-15 pounds a year, and next thing I knew, I was over 250. Bouts of dieting began. One of the many was that I tried following the WW program via booklets a friend let me copy as her husband was going. But I didn't attend the meetings. I stuck with it about 2-3 months... I even lost about 25-30 pounds, only to gain back that and more.
Shortly after this, my doctor told me my weight would kill me if it continued. I started crying in his office and he did try to be comforting, saying he was in a similar situation a few years back. He told me it would be a struggle, but that it could be done. He put me on a 1200 calorie diet, met with me once a week, then every two weeks, then once a month...and then, bam. I was off the diet and bingeing like crazy. The 30 pounds I lost was back with more on top of it.
So I gave up again. Told myself once more that this is just how I am... I need to deal with that 'fact'. All the while, the scale crept higher and higher each year.
I had just turned 30 when my back started aching with my walk to work. Five flights of stairs up from the train and the 7 blocks walk put me in pain each and every day. And it snapped... This wasn't how my body should be. This was insane. And it had to change.
I kept thinking to myself, if this is me at 30, what would I be like at 60? I was already behaving like I was 60, not 30.
So, I went to back to Weight Watchers.
Why WW? Because I knew I had to change my lifestyle. And I know WW is about making those changes. Not eating so few calories that it won't last past 2 months. Not a diet where you deprive yourself so you can drop 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Not a quick fix. But it is training me in a new way of living...
I am doing it. And it is working for me. I am sticking with it. I am not saying that I won't falter, not saying I don't have my good and bad days, but I can do this. And I will. And with time, I have come to believe that! *grin*
There is a long road ahead, but hey, it took me a long time to get here. *smile*
Part of the reason behind this web page is making me stick it out there and stick to it. Charting my progress is a part of that. Putting it out there for others to see and making me 'own' up to my actions.
Various times in my life affect my journey. There are times I falter but there are the times I swim. Even those times when I leap in joy. All I can do is face each day as it comes and take on the challenges that come.
All comments, suggestions, or just hi theres are welcome! Just
me at akkashasbigbattle@yahoogroups.com.
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