From mfterman@panix.com Thu Aug 12 12:53:27 1999 Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 22:49:32 -0500 (EST) From: Martin Terman To: Michele Wright Subject: Ranma 1/2: The Princess Bride Ranma 1/2: The Princess Bride a Fusion by Josh Green sort@bucket.ualr.edu http://bucket.ualr.edu/~sort/fanfic/ [Opening shot: a rustic setting. Female Ranma is present, wearing a demure dress.] Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Nerima. Her fav- Ranma: Hold it! There ain't no way you're going to call me 'Buttercup!' [Screen fades to black.] [Fade in. Same setting. Akane is present. The dress doesn't seem to fit her as well.] Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm- Ranma: [Off screen.] Her?! 'Buttercup?' [Starts laughing.] Akane: [Pulls a mallet from nowhere and runs off screen.] Die, Ranma! [Fade out.] [Fade in. Akane, Ukyou, Kodachi, Shampoo, and Kasumi are present. All are wearing identical dresses.] Narrator: Buttercup... oh, nuts. [The girls notice each other and begin talking at the same time.] Akane: That jerk! I bet this is Ranma's fault. Kodachi: You will not take the spotlight from me, little girls! Ohohoho... Kasumi: Oh, my! I'm not supposed to be in this scene. Shampoo: Aiya! This Shampoo's big debut! I not let you mess up! Ukyou: All right, who's the jackass that caused this mess? [Fade out.] [Fade in. Akane is present, wearing a similar dress to earlier, but it seems to fit her now. She's smiling at the camera.] Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Nerima. Buttercup (Akane): [Growling through her smile.] Not a word, Ranma. Narrator: Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley. But she never called him that. [Scene: a small stable on the farm. Ranma is chopping wood. Buttercup rides in and dismounts.] Narrator: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around. [Buttercup tries to catch Ranma's attention, but he totally ignores her until she's right in his face.] Buttercup: Baka! Varnish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning. Westley (Ranma): Kawaiikune! [Sticks out his tongue.] Narrator: 'Kawaiikune' was all he ever said to her. [Buttercup stomps off.] [Scene: a small kitchen. Buttercup is hacking at a large salad with a cleaver. Westley walks past the door.] Buttercup: Baka! [Westley pokes his head inside the kitchen and glares at Buttercup.] Buttercup: Fetch me that pitcher. [Pointing to a rack above her.] [Westley walks in, grabs a pitcher -- but not the one she was pointing at -- and hands it to her.] Westley: Kawaiikune. Narrator: That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'kawaiikune' what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was that she realized she truly loved him back. [Buttercup and Westley turn their heads to stare at the camera.] Buttercup: Oh, come on! You've got to be kidding. Westley: Yeah, right. I just got the stupid pitcher for her because a clumsy tomboy like her would probably wreck the kitchen if she tried to get it by herself. [Buttercup smashes the pitcher over Westley's head.] [Scene: Buttercup and Westley standing near the border of the farm. Both look very nervous.] Narrator: Westley had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup. [Buttercup and Westley hesitate, then Buttercup gives Westley a big smile.] Buttercup: Well, so long! [Westley picks up a large backpack, waving to Buttercup with one hand.] Westley: Right! See ya! [Buttercup and Westley turn away from each other and their shoulders slump slightly. Westley trudges off.] Narrator: Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Space Pirate Ryouko- Buttercup: [Coming out of her stupor.] _Space_ Pirate!? Narrator: All right, all right. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Ryouko, who never left male captives alive. [Scene: Buttercup sitting in a small, dark room. She quickly hides an onion behind her back.] Narrator: When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered, she went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate. Buttercup: [Slowly crying.] I will never love again. ***** [Scene: a gaily decorated plaza located in front of a castle. Lively music plays as people dance and gather to talk. Yuka and Sayuri are among the crowd, dressed in maids' outfits.] Narrator: Five weeks later, the main square of Nerima was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdinck's bride-to-be. Sayuri: Five weeks is a little fast even for Kunou, don't you think? Yuka: Yeah, but the writer's on a budget and Sailor Pluto's watching him closely. [Trumpets blare from the castle and Kunou strides forward to gaze down at the assembly.] Humperdinck (Kunou): Let it be known that a month hence shall be the date of the glorious union between the beauteous Buttercup and the mighty Blue Thunder, as foretold since the beginning of time! Yuka: [To Sayuri.] Where did that speech come from? Sayuri: [Flipping through a binder labeled 'Script.'] I have no idea. Humperdinck: Behold, the Princess Buttercup! [The trumpets sound again and Buttercup emerges from the castle, dressed in a beautiful white gown. The crowd cheers her, but the dour expression on her face remains the same.] Narrator: Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride. [Scene: Buttercup riding through the forest. She stops to rest her horse.] Sarcastic Voice: [From behind Buttercup.] Excuse me. [Buttercup turns and sees Tarou, Ukyou, and Shampoo. All of them are wearing their normal clothes, down to Tarou's sash. Buttercup's eyes widen.] Buttercup: You aren't supposed- Tarou: Knock her out. [Shampoo brings a round mace down on Buttercup's head, knocking her out.] [Scene: Tarou, Ukyou, and Shampoo -- who is carrying Buttercup -- are approaching a small ship.] Ukyou: Explain to me again why we are doing this. Tarou: I haven't explained it to you for a first time. I'm certainly not going to repeat myself. Shampoo: And why you play 'Vizzini.' What happen to mercenary girl? Vizzini (Tarou): [Looks briefly troubled.] She said she had better things to do. [Flashscene: Nabiki walking down a stone hallway, dressed in a man's medieval uniform. She sneezes and stops. She takes a watch out of her pocket, looks at it, and puts it back. She begins walking again.] Vizzini: [Dismissively.] Never mind. I don't see how I owe you two any explanations since you were the ones who asked to come with me. [Vizzini stops walking. He turns and glares at Ukyou.] Vizzini: Remember where I found you, Iniga? Crying over your okonomiyaki sauce? You had drunk so much sake that you couldn't even lift a spatula. [Points a finger at Shampoo.] And you, Physique. Self-proclaimed strongest woman on earth. You can't even find a man strong enough to defeat you. [Tarou snorts, turns again, and continues towards the ship.] After you help me, I'll make sure that you get what you deserve. [Tarou chuckles as he boards the ship. The two girls share a look and then follow.] Narrator: And so the kidnappers set out for the frontier, unaware of the danger that lay ahead. Vizzini: [Looks straight into the camera.] Oh, I'm ready for fem-boy. The question is: is he ready for me? [Scene: the kidnapper's ship at night. Ukyou is at the helm while Shampoo watches Buttercup and Vizzini stares at the sea behind the ship. Buttercup groans and tries to sit up, but finds herself bound.] Buttercup: Let me go, right now! Physique (Shampoo): I tie you up tight. You no go for swim tonight. Buttercup: I'll scream and... [Reluctantly.] Prince Humperdinck will come rescue me. Vizzini: [Not taking his eyes off the sea.] We're kilometers from shore. Exactly how loud were you planning on being? I might want to get something to plug my ears first. [Buttercup mutters something and struggles against the ropes.] Iniga (Ukyou): [Notices Vizzini's stare.] What are you looking at anyway? Vizzini: [Smirks.] Now, now. It wouldn't do to spoil the surprise. [Iniga, Physique, and Buttercup look behind the ship but don't see anything. Vizzini faces the front of the ship and grins.] Vizzini: Ah, perfect timing. [The sky begins to lighten and the small ship approaches a tall rock face.] Narrator: As they approached the Cliffs of Insanity, the coming dawn revealed to the villains that they had been followed. [Behind the first ship is a small skiff, without any sail. A black-clad individual is paddling furiously, her arms and paddle almost a blur.] Vizzini: [Looking at the camera.] That's such a harsh way of looking at things. I'm no villain. I'm simply misunderstood. [He chuckles.] [As Vizzini's ship bumps into the cliffs, he jumps overboard. A huge creature bursts out of the water, grabs the three girls from the ship and flies to the top of the cliffs. The smaller boat reaches the rocks seconds later. The person in the boat is a short girl, wearing all black clothing and a black mask. A red pigtail can be seen at the back of her head. She drops the oar, slumps forward a bit, and pants for a few seconds.] Girl in Black: [Looking up the rock face.] Oh, damn. ***** [Scene: top of the cliffs. The monster lands and releases Iniga. It points at her and then at the cliff.] Iniga: [Removes the giant spatula from her back.] Right. I'll take care of her. [The monster snorts and flies off, still carrying Physique and Buttercup. Iniga walks to the cliff edge and looks down. The Girl in Black is quickly ascending the cliff by jumping between outcropping rocks. Surprised, Iniga backs up and takes a defensive posture as the girl makes it to the top.] Girl in Black: [Panting.] I suppose you're going to try to stop me from saving the girl. Iniga: You've got it, sugar. Girl in Black: All right. [Takes up an offensive stance.] Iniga: [Noticing how hard the girl is breathing.] We can wait until you're ready, though. Girl in Black: Forget it! I'm ready now! [Iniga walks up to the girl slowly and pushes her over with a single finger.] Iniga: I'm supposed to stop you from following us, but you could at least make this a little interesting. [The Girl in Black struggles briefly, then manages to sit up.] Girl in Black: [Petulantly.] You try rowing all night long. Iniga: What happened to your sail? Girl in Black: [Embarrassed.] A freak windstorm shredded it. Iniga: [Disbelieving.] Riiight. [She glances at the girl's right hand.] I don't suppose you know anyone with six fingers? Girl in Black: Er... six fingers? Nope. [Curiously.] Why do you ask? Iniga: A six-fingered man engaged me to his son. [Grips her spatula tightly.] Then, he ran off with my family's okonomiyaki cart. When I find him, I'm going to say: 'Hello, my name is Iniga Montoya. Because of you, I've seen hell!' Girl in Black: [Nervously.] That's it? Iniga: [She smiles suddenly.] Well, then I'll beat him and his son into a bloody pulp. Girl in Black: [Warily.] That's very nice. [The Girl in Black hops up and stretches for a second before taking a battle stance.] Girl in Black: I wouldn't worry about broken engagements. I'll make sure not to damage that cute face of yours during the fight. Iniga: [Looks surprised at the compliment.] Thanks! But you can't sweet-talk me, girlfriend. [Readying her spatula.] Um... aren't you supposed to have a weapon? Girl in Black: [Reluctantly.] Do I have to use it? [Iniga nods affirmative.] Girl in Black: [Sighs.] Just great. [Pulls a sign out of nowhere. Written on the sign is 'I'm only a panda.' She holds the sign like a sword.] Iniga: [Eyeing the sign speculatively.] That's your weapon? Girl in Black: [Shrugs.] It's what the prop people gave me. [Charges Iniga.] Kiai! [The Girl in Black and Iniga begin to fight and sparks fall from where the spatula and the sign meet.] Narrator: The two engaged in a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters. Girl in Black: We don't need a commentary! [Iniga finally slices the Girl in Black's sign in half. The Girl in Black drops the sign, grabs the spatula from Iniga's hands, and hits her lightly over the head with it. Iniga looks shocked for a moment, then topples over. The Girl in Black looks indecisive, then places the spatula on top of Iniga and positions her arms over it. She runs off, following the path.] [Scene: the Girl in Black running through a rocky canyon.] Physique: [From above.] Bakusaitenketsu! [The Girl in Black dodges as Physique lands, shattering a chunk of ground where the Girl in Black was standing.] Physique: That could been your head! [Points to the crater.] [The Girl in Black backs away nervously.] Narrator: Wait a minute! That technique doesn't work on people! Physique: [Looking annoyed.] Stupid narrator! Physique know that, I only use as threat. Narrator: Oops. Sorry. I'll be quiet now. Girl in Black: [Readying for combat.] Then we'll fight fairly. Physique: Physique strongest woman on earth! No girl defeat me! Girl in Black: [Grinning.] Maybe so, but I'm not a girl. [While Physique is confused by the statement, the Girl in Black dashes in and kicks her into the side of the canyon. A couple of small rocks fall down and hit Physique on the head, knocking her unconscious. The Girl in Black checks to make sure she wasn't hurt, then continues down the canyon.] [Scene: the top of the cliffs, where the Girl in Black and Iniga fought. Prince Humperdinck arrives, riding a large white stallion. Genma is with him, riding a old grey mare.] Humperdinck: Behold, Count Rugen! The tracks lead further inland. We shall follow and rescue the fair maiden Buttercup from the clutches of these madmen who would dare abduct her from my protection. Count Rugen (Genma): Why do you think there are two ships at the bottom of the cliffs? Humperdinck: Obviously the scoundrels heard of my arrival and sent for reinforcements. But it shall gain them nothing! I will cut them down like the dry chaff of summer. [Begins waving a katana in the air as he urges his horse down the path.] Unto victory noble companions! [Count Rugen looks around, double-checking that he is the only person with Humperdinck. Shaking his head, he follows the prince.] Narrator: [Sarcastic.] And so, the fearless Prince Humperdinck and his mighty legion push onward, through many troubles to rescue the beloved Buttercup. Humperdinck: Quite so! [Stops and looks around, confused.] Who said that? ***** [Scene: Vizzini, in human form now, is sitting in front of a small fire. Buttercup is behind him, blindfolded, gagged, and tied up. The Girl in Black runs up and stops when she spots Vizzini.] Girl in Black: What are you up to, Pantyhose? Vizzini: [Smirks.] The name's Vizzini, fem-boy. Girl in Black: Let Buttercup go! Vizzini: Of course. But first, we fight. Girl in Black: [Surprised.] That's it? Vizzini: What else? You think I'd challenge you to a duel of wits? [Chuckles nastily.] Fighting the helpless goes against the teachings of the Art, after all. [The Girl in Black frowns angrily at Vizzini, while he totally ignores her expression.] Vizzini: No traps. Nobody to interfere. I'm going to prove which one of us is the better fighter. [The Girl in Black shifts into a defensive posture as Vizzini steps away from the fire.] Vizzini: [Gestures towards a small kettle on the fire.] So, do you want some hot water? [Sneers.] Or would you prefer to remain in your true form? [The Girl in Black growls and lunges for Vizzini. Vizzini flips her, sending her crashing into the ground. The Girl in Black attempts a kick, which Vizzini catches. Keeping her off-balance, Vizzini lands several blows before she frees her leg and rolls away.] Vizzini: Pathetic. [Mocking.] Did those two little girls tire you out? [The Girl in Black snarls and lunges again. Vizzini and the Girl in Black trade blows for a few seconds, Vizzini having the upper hand, until she hops back a few steps. Vizzini smirks and so does the Girl in Black. A flicker of worry passes over his face as the Girl in Black's smile doesn't change.] Girl in Black: [Taunting.] Oh, Pantyhose! [She opens her left hand and dangles are pair of pantyhose in front of Vizzini.] [Vizzini looks down at his clothes, noticing the missing pantyhose before he realizes he's been suckered. He snaps his head back up and gets a face full of nylon as the pantyhose wrap around his head. He rips the pantyhose off his head just in time to see the Girl in Black descending with a kick, which knocks him out.] Girl in Black: Hah! I am the greatest! [Notices Buttercup struggling.] Oops... almost forgot. [The Girl in Black rushes over and unties Buttercup. Buttercup tries to run away, but the Girl in Black holds onto her arm.] Buttercup: Unhand me! Girl in Black: Calm down! I'm rescuing you, aren't I? Buttercup: I don't need to be rescued! Girl in Black: [Smirks.] Oh, really? I supposed you had the kidnappers just where you wanted them? Buttercup: [Continues to struggle against the Girl in Black's grip.] The only person I need to be rescued from is you! Girl in Black: [Smugly.] And who's going to rescue you from me? Buttercup: Prince Humperdinck in the greatest hunter in the land. He will come for me. [The Girl in Black releases Buttercup's arm, causing her to lose her balance and fall down.] Girl in Black: I suppose you'll get all mushy once he gets here. [Adopting a cute expression and staring skyward.] Oh, Prince Humperdinck! I was so helpless until you arrived! [Stops acting cute.] Feh. No pansy prince is going to being able to beat me. Buttercup: [Standing back up.] Your arrogance reveals everything! You're the Dread Pirate Ryouko, admit it! Ryouko: (Girl in Black): [Removes her mask and bows to Buttercup.] With pride. What can I do for you? Buttercup: [Viciously.] You can die slowly, dropped into a pit of starving cats with fish sausages strapped to your body. Ryouko: [Backing away with a look of horror.] That's terrible! Buttercup: You killed my love! [Gets a dreamy, far-away expression.] A poor farmboy, with eyes like the sea after a storm. [Ryouko starts toying with her pigtail and has a goofy-looking smile on her face. Buttercup stomps towards Ryouko and learns forward, bringing her face close to Ryouko's.] Buttercup: [Angry.] On the high seas, your ship attacked and the Dread Pirate Ryouko never takes male prisoners! [A hunting horn blows in the distance, but neither Buttercup nor Ryouko notice.] Ryouko: [Snapping back at Buttercup.] Do you know how much trouble male prisoners are? Half of them sit there drooling at me and the other half try to grope me constantly. [Tries to pose seductively.] Not that I can blame them, of course. Buttercup: You mock my pain! [The horn blows again, this time much closer.] Ryouko: [Snaps her fingers.] I think I remember this guy; five years- Narrator: Weeks. Ryouko: Uh... weeks ago, I captured his ship. [Acidly.] I'm sure it didn't take you long to hook up with the first rich prince to come along. Buttercup: Why you- [Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen appear. Count Rugen rides near Ryouko and Buttercup, leans down, and blows the hunting horn into their ears.] Buttercup & Ryouko: [Yelling at Count Rugen.] Cut that out! Humperdinck: Fear not, beautiful ladies! [Hops off his steed and strikes a grand pose, one foot on top of Vizzini's body and looking off to the side.] Now that I have arrived, you are safe from all harm! Ryouko: [To Buttercup.] I suppose he's the best a violent chick like you could get. Buttercup: Jerk! [Punches Ryouko into a nearby valley.] Ryouko: Kawaiikune! Buttercup: [Shocked.] Westley?! [Buttercup suddenly trips and tumbles into the valley also. Prince Humperdinck notices and rushes to the rim of the valley. Count Rugen is standing nearby, whistling and trying to act innocent.] Humperdinck: Hold fast, my dears! I shall rescue you! [Humperdinck rushes to his horse, mounts, then gallops towards the ravine. The horse stops at the edge, sending Humperdinck flying down alone. Count Rugen sighs.] [Scene: bottom of the valley. Buttercup finally rolls to the bottom, landing on top of Ryouko with their noses almost touching. Buttercup scrambles off Ryouko.] Buttercup: Is that really you, Westley? Westley (Ryouko): [Resigned.] Yeah, it's me. [Prince Humperdinck crashes face-first into the ground behind them. Westley stands up and grabs Buttercup's arm. They begin running towards the forest at the end of the ravine.] Westley: Come on! I'll explain while we lose these idiots in the Ryuugenzawa. Buttercup: [Nervously looking at the forest.] We'll never survive. Westley: [Confidently.] Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever has. Narrator: While Westley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor... [Count Rugen scrambles down the last few feet of the ravine's side, coming to a halt next to Prince Humperdinck. Humperdinck suddenly stands up.] Humperdinck: See how they run from me! Is this not the mark of love? Even as the hunt is more enjoyable when the prey gives the hunter a merry chase, so are the rewards of love when one must strive to achieve them. [Begins running towards the forest with open arms.] But you can not hide from me, my darlings! Narrator: ...the clueless Prince Humperdinck and his lazy cohort continued to trudge through the countryside. Humperdinck: What!? [Stops and looks around.] Show yourself vile miscreant! ***** [Scene: inside the Ryuugenzawa. Many huge trees grow near each other, blocking out most of the sunlight. Westley (female) and Buttercup look around nervously for a second, then Westley strides forward.] Westley: Come on! It's just a bunch of trees. [Buttercup begins to follow her when a geyser of water suddenly erupts where Westley is standing.] Westley: [Now male and dancing around in pain.] Hot, hot, hot! Buttercup: [Staring wide-eyed.] It really is you! [Buttercup hugs Westley, causing him to freeze up. She then punches him hard in the stomach, doubling him over.] Buttercup: That's for making me worry! [Buttercup stomps deeper into the forest and Westley follows.] Westley: Hey! I can explain! [Another geyser of water explodes directly underneath him.] Westley: [Female, teeth chattering.] Th-that's f-f-freezing! [Buttercup walks offscreen and Westley dashes after her.] Westley: Buttercup! [A geyser is heard and Westley's voice lowers in pitch.] Yow! Hot! Wait up! [Another splash.] Aaah! Cold! [Scene: a small room. Ryouga and Mousse, wearing blue jackets with the words 'Prop Dept' stenciled on them, are sitting in front of a control board.] Ryouga: Take this, Ranma! [Punches a button.] Mousse: Now, let's hit him several times with cold water! Ryouga: After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. [They push a number of buttons and watch Ranma/Westley jump around on a small monitor.] Mousse: This will teach him not to hog the spotlight! [Mousse hits another button, then notices Ryouga glaring at him.] Mousse: Oh, sorry. Ryouga: 'Salright. [Starts grinning widely.] And now, for the finale! Mousse: [Grinning in a frighteningly similar manner to Ryouga.] Right! [Aims for a big red button marked 'Flame Spurt,' but instead hits the big red button next to it labeled 'Fire Control.'] Ryouga: Not that one, you idio- [The overhead sprinklers come on, raining a heavy mist down on the duo. Ryouga squeals and the sound of a pig and duck fighting can be heard.] [Scene: Westley and Buttercup walking through the Ryuugenzawa. Westley is male and very, very damp. The camera pans in to show their faces more clearly.] Westley: What I said about male captives is true. The first grope or sign of drool and they get tossed overboard. After a couple of days, I was the only guy left on board. The crew is all female, you see. Buttercup: What does this have to do with you turning into a girl? Westley: I'm getting to that. One day, I accidentally entered the Captain's room while she was taking a bath- Buttercup: [Frowning.] You were being a pervert, in other words. Westley: [Waving his hands in negation.] No, no, no. You see, it was really a guy I walked in on- Buttercup: [Angry.] Then you were being even more of a pervert! Westley: Aarg! Will you just listen! He said, 'As you can tell, I am not a woman.' Buttercup: [Acidly.] Did you check and make sure? Westley: [Ignoring the interruption.] 'And I am not the Dread Pirate Ryouko. My name is Futaba. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Ryouko, but I think it is now time for me to retire. So, I shall pass it on to you.' He explained that the first Dread Pirate Ryouko was in fact named Tenchi and has been retired fifteen years, living with some princess on the island of Jurai. Buttercup: [Confused and frustrated.] But what does this have to do with changing into a girl? Westley: The name and the image are the important parts for inspiring the necessary fear. I mean, where would Captain Hook be if he hadn't lost his hand? So we sailed to China and he showed me the secret of the Dread Pirate Ryouko -- the Nyannichuan. After that, we took on an entirely new crew and I became the Dread Pirate Ryouko. [Smugly.] And I'm the best Dread Pirate Ryouko ever! Buttercup: [Quietly.] You mean that you chose to change into a girl? Westley: Uh... well... hold it! [Westley pulls Buttercup to a stop. In front of them is a circular area of sand surrounded by a variety of signs that say 'Warning! Lightning Sand!'] Westley: I think there's quicksand nearby. Buttercup: [Sarcastic.] Oh really? What was your first clue? Westley: C'mon. We'll go around. [Westley and Buttercup avoid the sand and continue walking.] Buttercup: Westley, what about the H.O.U.S.'s? Westley: Hogs Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist. [Westley braces himself, but nothing happens.] Westley: I said, 'I don't think they exist.' [Westley braces himself again, and nothing happens again. Buttercup looks around in confusion.] Westley: [Cockily.] See, I told you they don't exist. [A large black boar comes out of nowhere and smashes into Westley.] Narrator: [Conversational tone.] The Hog Of Unusual Size. A native to the Ryuugenzawa of this world. [The pig knocks Westley into a tree, then backs up and snorts at him. Westley springs to his feet and sticks his tongue out at the pig. The hog snorts again and rushes straight towards Westley, who dodges to the side.] Narrator: Known to like truffles and dislike the color black. [The pig smashes into and through the tree, while Westley looks on with disbelief.] Narrator: H.O.U.S.'s have an incredible strength and a very heavy skull, making them a challenge for any would-be hunter. Westley: Now you tell me! [The hog runs out of the forest, directly at Buttercup.] Buttercup: Westley! Narrator: And no, it does not have a yellow bandanna around its neck. [Westley strongly kicks the already battered tree, causing it to fall. The tree lands directly on the pig before it can reach Buttercup. The tree splits in two where it hits the pig. The hog turns and faces Westley, looking much more angry.] Westley: What're you going to do about it, pork chop? [The pig charges towards Westley, who flips up and over it. A quick slurping sound is heard and Westley looks back to see the lightning sand bubble slightly.] Westley: Heh. Piece of cake! [Buttercup walks up to Westley with a worried expression. She looks him over quickly for any injuries. Her expression changes to annoyance.] Buttercup: You're supposed to be hurt. Westley: Are you kidding? P-chan gives me more of a work out than that slab of bacon did. [Buttercup picks up a large limb from the fallen tree and hits Westley over the head with it.] Buttercup: Don't you dare start picking on P-chan! [Scene: outside the Ryuugenzawa. Westley and Buttercup exit the forest, Westley having a few bumps on his head now. Buttercup has her head turned away from him.] Buttercup: [Hissing at Westley.] It's your own fault. You could have just let the pig beat you up. But nooooo. You're the great Saotome Ranma. Westley: [Muttering.] Oh, shut up. [Buttercup and Westley hear something crashing through the forest behind them. They turn and are shocked to see Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen exit the Ryuugenzawa. Their clothing is torn in several places and has sand sticking to it.] Humperdinck: Surrender and I shall be merciful! [Stands in a heroic pose.] [Westley begins laughing loudly and Buttercup tries to hide her smile behind a hand.] Humperdinck: You dare to laugh at your betters, knave? Westley: [Cracks his knuckles.] I've had just about enough- [Count Rugen blurs into movement. After he stops he is carrying an unconscious Westley and a struggling Buttercup.] Count Rugen: What do you want me to do with these two? Humperdinck: See that Princess Buttercup arrives safely back to the castle. Take the scoundrel to my sister. She may have some use for him. Buttercup: You'd better not hurt Westley! Humperdinck: He shall get only what he deserves for kidnapping you. [Two horses suddenly appear. Konatsu, wearing a blue jacket, peeks out from behind them for a moment then disappears. Count Rugen and Prince Humperdinck mount. Count Rugen rides off with Buttercup and Westley. Humperdinck follows.] Narrator: Now all was bleak across the land for the hero had been set upon by his wily adversary. Humperdinck: [Slows the horse and peers at the scenery.] Face me like a man, you fiend! Narrator: Of course, wily may be too strong a word. Humperdinck: [Draws his katana and points it skyward.] The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure. [A lightning bolt strikes the sword, leaving Prince Humperdinck slightly blackened and smoking.] Narrator: The vengeance of heaven is swift and brutal... and controlled by the narrator. Humperdinck: That didn't hurt. [Humperdinck falls off his horse.] ***** [Scene: the 'Pit of Despair.' Westley is strapped to a large table. His eyes are closed and his breathing is slow. A letter lies next to him. There are a large variety of plants in the room, including some black roses. Kodachi bounds into the room wearing a very nice black dress.] Kodachi: Ohohoho! [Notices Westley.] What do we have here? [Kodachi picks up the letter and reads it as Westley begins to groan.] Kodachi: Ah! Count Rugen has left me a new prisoner to play with. How nice. Westley: [Opening his eyes.] Who are you?! Kodachi: I'm Princess Angelina. I'll be your torturer for the remainder of your stay here. Ohohohoho! Westley: [Warily.] Torture? What kind of torture? Angelina (Kodachi): Hmm... [Reads the letter again.] Count Rugen suggested an experiment to determine how many drops of water it takes to turn a man into a woman. [Westley begins looking nervous.] Angelina: I swear, the man makes no sense at times. [Westley looks relieved.] Angelina: But, it sounds like an excellent form of torture nonetheless! [Princess Angelina rolls out what looks like a large bottled water cooler and positions it with the spigot over Westley's head. She turns the tap a very tiny amount. Several seconds pass as Westley watches the spigot intently. Finally, a single drop of water falls onto his forehead.] Angelina: [Sighs.] I suppose this is going to take a while. [Angelina walks to a desk and sits down. She takes a Michigan Bulb catalog out of the desk and begins flipping through it. Westley continues to stare at the spout. Finally, another drop hits him.] Westley: Get me outta here! [Scene: Buttercup storming through the Castle. At an intersection she passes Count Rugen and Souun, who is dressed in very fine robes.] The King (Souun): Is everything going according to our plan? Count Rugen: Everything is working out perfectly, my friend. The King: [Begins to cry, large streams of tears coming from his eyes.] I'm so happy! Our families will soon be joined! Count Rugen: Now, now, Tendou. We must remain calm or someone might find out. [Count Rugen leads the King further down the hallway. Nabiki comes out of a side passage, looks towards the two men briefly, then walks in the other direction.] ***** Narrator: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen. [Scene: a large group of people gathered in front of the castle. Yuka and Sayuri are in the crowd. Humperdinck stands above the courtyard, just as before.] Humperdinck: My father's final words were, 'Love her, as I loved her and there will be joy.' Yuka: That doesn't sound much like Kunou. Sayuri: I guess the writer decided to lift some more of the original script. Yuka: [Shrugging.] Oh, well. It's just a dream sequence, after all. Sayuri: [Nodding in agreement.] I'd rather hear this than one of his usual speeches, anyway. Humperdinck: I present to you, your queen: Queen Buttercup. [Buttercup comes out of the castle and the crowd bows to her.] Gentle Voice: [Off screen.] Boo. Boo. Boo. Oh, my! [The camera angle shifts and we see Kasumi standing before Buttercup. She is dressed in rags, but her outfit appears to be perfectly arranged despite that. Buttercup face-faults.] Buttercup: Kasumi?! [Kasumi looks down at a piece of paper in her hands.] Kasumi: [Looking at the paper with a neutral expression.] I can't read this. It's too... dirty. [Buttercup stands back up, but looks rather nervous.] Buttercup: Um... what are you doing here? Kasumi: [Expression brightening.] Oh, yes! You should marry Westley. He's the one that you love. [Turns to leave.] Buttercup: Wait! That's it?! Kasumi: [Looking back at Buttercup.] Isn't that enough? [Scene: Buttercup's bedroom in the castle. Buttercup sits up in her bed suddenly.] Narrator: It was the day of the wedding. The king still lived, but Buttercup's... uh... nightmares continued. Are you sure that that was a nightmare? Buttercup: [Gets out of her bed and puts on a robe over her nightdress.] I was married to Humperdinck. What part of that isn't a nightmare? Narrator: Ah... good point. [Scene: a finely furnished study. Humperdinck sits at a desk, reading some papers. Nabiki enters the room.] Humperdinck: [Looking up.] Yellin. Yellin (Nabiki): [Smirking.] Sire. Humperdinck: I need you to make sure that the castle is secure. I will not have anyone interrupting my marriage to Princess Buttercup. Yellin: I have the only key to the main gate. Humperdinck: [Frowning.] I also want you to assemble an honor guard. It would be disastrous for the glorious Buttercup to the frightened by some dirty brigands on our wedding night. Yellin: Fine. But I will need the key to the treasury. Humperdinck: [Shocked.] For what reason? Yellin: To hire a group of warriors to defend the castle. [Smirking.] Unless you want to be your own honor guard. Humperdinck: [Disgusted.] Very well. [Takes a small key out of his pocket and hands it to Yellin.] Such barbarism. [Yellin leaves the room. Buttercup storms into the room and faces Humperdinck.] Buttercup: [Angry.] What did you do with Westley? Humperdinck: [Calmly.] I have done nothing to that vagabond. Buttercup: I heard you tell Count Rugen to give him to your sister! Humperdinck: I doubt that she has harmed him. You would do well to forget such trash. Buttercup: Prince or not, I'm not going to marry you while Westley lives. Humperdinck: It is obvious that this honorless cur has befuddled your thoughts. Why not retire to your room and rest for a bit. I'm sure things will be much clearer when you awaken. [Buttercup storms out of the room. Prince Humperdinck sits quietly for a few seconds, then stands and exits the room.] [Scene: the Pit of Despair. Princess Angelina is reading an issue of the New England Journal of Medicine. Westley is still male, but looks a bit crazed. Humperdinck strides into the room and over to the table to which Westley is strapped.] Humperdinck: Oh, devious man. What cruel fate has allowed you to take from me the one thing that my heart fully desires? Westley: [Singing.] Raindrops keep fallin' on my head. Humperdinck: I shall not be swayed by your crafty words. We are mortal enemies, you and I. Westley: [Singing.] Drip, drip, drop, little April showers. Humperdinck: Yes, just as the spring comes, so love grows anew each day. Surely you, my greatest rival, understand that almost as well as I. Angelina: You are aware that he's in no condition to respond to you, I hope. Humperdinck: [Annoyed.] Then it would be appropriate for him to remain in such a state. [Prince Humperdinck takes a single white rose from a nearby bush and thrusts it under Westley's nose.] Angelina: No! [Westley stiffens for a moment, then his whole body goes slack.] Humperdinck: [Coldly.] I will not let anything interfere with my marriage to Buttercup. [Prince Humperdinck leaves the pit, pausing to grab a bouquet of black roses. Princess Angelina sadly looks towards Westley. A drop of water splashes against his forehead. Angelina shrugs, sits down, and continues reading.] ***** [Scene: a small house. Iniga sits at a table, drumming her fingers. Her spatulas are laying to one side.] Narrator: Still unable to find the six-fingered man and having been bested in combat, Iniga attempted to drown her cares... wait a minute. Aren't you supposed to be drunk? Iniga: Are you kidding? I've never touched a drop of liquor. Narrator: But- Iniga: Furthermore, buster, I've got a contract that says I don't have to do that kind of thing. Narrator: I understand, it's just- [The door to the house explodes and Physique enters.] Physique: Nihao! Physique find six-fingered man! I help you with him, then you help me find strong man for husband, yes? Iniga: [Stands up and starts strapping on her spatulas.] You know where the six-fingered man is? That's great! How'd you find him? Physique: God in machine. [She holds up a Newton palmtop.] Narrator: Hey! Wait just a second! Iniga: Then what are we waiting for? [Iniga and Physique run out of the building.] Narrator: Oh, that's just dandy. [Scene: a plain old fashioned forest. Physique and Iniga are walking towards the castle.] Iniga: So where is this Count Rugen? Physique: He in castle. Gate guarded by seven people. Iniga: Seven? [Waves a hand in dismissal.] That's no big deal. Physique: These seven are Seven Lucky Gods martial artists. Iniga: [Confused.] I thought this 'fic was manga-based. Physique: Physique not know. But I have purple hair. Iniga: [Serious.] How many could you handle? Physique: Two... maybe three. I not get good chance in movie. Iniga: Right. At best, that leaves four for me. [Iniga stops walking and shakes her head. Physique stops as well and turns towards her.] Iniga: At my best I couldn't handle that many. We need somebody else to help us. Physique: [Shrugs.] Vizzini gone. Not know who else could help. Iniga: No, not Vizzini. The Girl in Black. Look, she bested you at strength, your greatness. She bested me with steel -- well, sort of. She must have out-tricked Vizzini. Physique: But how we find Girl in Black? [An echoing laugh floats through the woods. A hidden door in a nearby tree opens and Princess Angelina steps out, carrying a female Westley.] Angelina: Ohohoho! I have discovered the answer to Count Rugen's question. I must notify him immediately! [Angelina closes the tree-door and turns around to receive a spatula to the face. As Angelina bounces off the tree, some black petals fall out of her clothes and land on her face.] Physique: [Picking up Westley.] I think she dead. Iniga: Dead!? No, she can't be. [Takes Westley away from Physique and starts shaking her.] Not when I'm this close! [Physique grabs Iniga's arms and stops her.] Physique: No worry. I know someone who might help. Iniga: Help? Who? How? [Scene: a small wooden hut. Iniga and Physique approach the door. Physique hands Westley to Iniga and knocks. The door opens, revealing Happosai.] Happosai: Hotcha! Well, don't just stand there, come in! [Physique and Iniga hesitantly enter the hut as Happosai eyes them and rubs his hands together.] Physique: [Uncertainly.] You Miracle Max? Miracle Max (Happosai): You bet I am! What can I do for two young, beautiful, nubile... [He begins drooling.] Iniga: We... uh... have a friend who needs help. Miracle Max: Well then, don't just stand there. Let me grope- I mean: let me examine her. [Iniga reluctantly puts Westley on a low table in the center of the room.] Miracle Max: [Eyeing Westley's body.] Now where should I begin? I know! [Miracle Max leaps towards the table and is sent rocketing through the hut's ceiling via Westley's outstretched fist. As Physique and Iniga look on in shock, Cologne enters the room from the other side.] Cologne: You're in luck. You're friend is only mostly dead. [Miracle Max falls out of the sky and crashes into the hut's floor. Cologne hands Iniga a small pouch.] Cologne: Take this Phoenix Pill and get going before he starts moving again. [Physique quickly picks up Westley and ushers Iniga out the door.] Miracle Max: [Whining.] Did they have to leave so soon? You always ruin my fun, Valerie. Valerie (Cologne): Oh, stop complaining you old fool. Neither of us is getting much screen time. ***** [Scene: outside the castle at dusk. Physique leans Westley against a tree and pops the Phoenix Pill into her mouth.] Iniga: How long does it take to work? Physique: Physique not know. [Westley's eyes open and she spots the two girls.] Westley: What are you doing? Where's Buttercup? [Westley tries to shift into a defensive stance and falls down.] Westley: [Frustrated.] And why do I feel so weak?! [Physique lifts Westley up and holds on to her.] Iniga: Calm down, sugar. You've been mostly dead for a while. Physique: But we get miracle and now you help us. [Confused.] Why you want find Buttercup? She get married to prince tonight. Westley: Tonight!? I've got to stop that wedding! [Westley breaks free of Physique's grip and tries to rush forward, only to fall on her face. Iniga picks her up and leans her against a tree.] Iniga: Your arms seem to be working fine, but I don't think you're stopping anything on your own. Physique: Physique have deal for you. You help break into castle and we help stop wedding. I even no give you kiss of death. Westley: [Smiling nervously.] Kiss of death? Physique: [Smiling nastily.] You not want to know. Westley: All right, I'll do it! Who do I need to beat up? Iniga: The Seven Lucky Gods team. [Westley groans and slumps to the ground. She clenches a fist in front of her.] Westley: If only- [Pauses and stares at her first for a second.] I've got it! [Scene: in front of the cast gate. The Seven Lucky Gods martial artists are sitting in a semicircle, eating rice and pickled vegetables.] Westley: [Off screen.] Listen up! [The camera pans to show Westley propped against a tree with her arms crossed. Physique and Iniga are standing a little ways away from her. Kirin and company stand up and face the trio.] Westley: You're going to let us through that gate or else! Kirin: It is bad enough to be forced to act as a mercenary for a petty nobleman. Kirin will not take orders from a commoner such as yourself. Westley: [Cockily.] Don't say I didn't warn you. Now! [Physique crouches and touches the ground.] Physique: Bakusaitenketsu! [The ground explodes in front of her. Iniga swings her spatula over Physique's head, scooping the pieces of dirt and flinging them towards Westley. Westley's hands blur and the shrapnel is re-directed towards the seven martial artists. Daihakusei, Daikokusei, and Ebiten are knocked out by the attack. Monron and Bishamonten are slightly stunned, while Kirin and Muu aren't affected at all.] Kirin: You have now incurred Kirin's wrath! [The conscious members of Kirin's group prepare to attack.] Yellin: [Off screen.] People, people! [Yellin walks out of the shadows and stands next to Kirin.] Yellin: I'm sure that we can come to an understanding without further violence. Kirin: The Seven Lucky Gods were hired to keep intruders out of the castle for this night. These three wish entry. What 'understanding' could we possibly come to? Yellin: [Smirking.] You let them enter the castle and they'll let you go home. Kirin: [Outraged.] What?! Yellin: [Whispering.] Keep quiet and I'll double your pay. [Yellin unlocks the castle's gate. Kirin gestures abruptly and Bishamonten swings it open. Westley, Iniga, and Physique look at each other. Physique walks to Westley and slings her over her shoulder. Physique and Iniga warily approach the gate.] Westley: [Gives Yellin a questioning look.] Why are you doing this? Yellin: Do you really expect me to answer that? [Westley glances at Kirin.] Kirin: [Embarrassed.] Do you have any idea how much it costs to pickle all of your food? [Physique and Iniga look at each other and shrug. Iniga enters the castle with Physique following.] Yellin: This is just too easy. ***** [Scene: Iniga and Physique, carrying Westley, are walking through a stone hallway inside the castle. Iniga occasionally opens a side door and peers inside.] Westley: I've been meaning to ask you: what happened to the narrator? He should have said something by now. Physique: Narrator sulking. Has wounded ego. Narrator: I do not! Iniga: [Facetiously.] Oh, we believe you. [They reach an intersection and Count Rugen comes around the corner, almost bumping into Physique.] Physique: Is Count Rugen! Iniga: So, we finally meet! Count Rugen: [Sweating.] I-I think you have me confused with someone else. Iniga: Hello, my name is Iniga Montoya. Because of you, I've seen hell! Count Rugen: But I'm not the six-fingered man! See! [Count Rugen holds up his left hand while hiding his right hand behind is back. Iniga narrows her eyes, grabs Count Rugen's right hand, and pulls it out from behind his back. Count Rugen's right hand has an extra thumb.] Iniga: You really are him! What do you have to say for yourself before I smash you into next Monday? [Count Rugen grabs Westley from Physique and dumps a kettle of hot water on her. Physique and Iniga gape as Westley changes. Count Rugen pushes the now-male Westley in front of him. Westley braces himself against Count Rugen's pushing.] Count Rugen: Westley! It's up to you to protect your dear old father! Westley: [Shocked.] What?! You're not my father! Count Rugen: Oh, but I am! Such a sad tale of how your mother and I had to leave you under the care of a poor farmer! Westley: Then how come I don't have two thumbs?! Count Rugen: [Tears running down his face.] The master said I would be able to perform the ultimate martial art technique. The dreaded 'Sixth Finger of Doom.' But I ended up with a thumb instead and the technique never worked! [Westley turns around and hits Count Rugen over the head.] Westley: That's stupid! [Physique and Iniga recover from the shock of seeing Westley morph.] Physique: Aiya! Girl in Black really Guy in Black? Iniga: [Disbelieving.] He's the boy I was supposed to be engaged to? [Westley turns around and looks at the two girls. He puts a hand behind his head and chuckles nervously.] Westley: Sorry about this. [Westley blinks, turns around, and notices that Count Rugen has vanished.] Westley: Hey! Where'd he go?! [Westley runs down a hallway. Physique and Iniga stare after him for a few seconds, glance at each other, then follow him.] [Scene: intersection of two hallways in the castle. Princess Angelina is walking through the corridor, holding a hand to her head. Westley goes through the intersection in front of her. The Princess blinks a few times.] Angelina: [Incredulously.] He survived one of my poisonous roses!? [Enthusiastic.] What a man! [Princess Angelina chases Westley down the hall.] [Scene: the castle's chapel. Prince Humperdinck and Buttercup are standing at the front of the chapel. Buttercup is wearing a massive white gown that hides her figure and she is holding a bouquet of black roses. A clergyman with very impressive clothing is standing in front of them with his back toward the camera. Count Rugen runs in and tugs and the King's sleeve.] Count Rugen: [Whispering.] It's almost time. Are you ready? [The King nods in a serious manner. The clergyman turns around. His cleric's headdress has been cut open and a pineapple rests inside.] Clergyman (Principal Kunou): We be here to marry 'dis boy and 'dis girl. Anybody who wanna speak up, better do it now. Westley: [Off screen.] Hold it! [Westley appears beside Buttercup and knocks the flowers from her hand. She blinks grogily, but immediately notices Westley.] Buttercup: Westley! [Buttercup hugs Westley. Westley grabs Buttercup and jumps to one side as Prince Humperdinck slices through the space where he was with a katana.] Humperdinck: I shall not allow you to harm Buttercup, foul spirit! [Count Rugen hits Humperdinck from behind with a mallet, knocking him out. The King grabs Buttercup and Westley in a hug and begins to cry.] The King: Now are families will be joined! Buttercup & Westley: What!? Clergyman: [Protesting.] I not be here to marry off 'dese two! [Count Rugen holds out a ticket in front of the Clergyman.] Count Rugen: Not even for a two week vacation in Hawaii? [The Clergyman quickly snatches the ticket from Count Rugen.] Clergyman: Right on, man! Where we be 'den? Anybody not wanna see 'dese two get hitched? [The door to the chapel explodes. Physique, Iniga, and Princess Angelina enter.] Iniga, Physique, & Angelina: Stop!! [The three girls rush towards Westley, Prince Humperdinck stands back up, and the King and Count Rugen attempt to keep them all away from Buttercup and Westley. A brawl starts, raising a cloud of dust. When the dust clears, the King looks dazed and is wearing the groom's clothes. A person in the bride's dress is standing next to him with the veil lowered and holding the bouquet of black roses.] Clergyman: Ok! We be getting on with 'dis then! I make you hubby and wife! Kiss 'de bride, man! [The King slowly turns to the bride and lifts the veil, revealing the face of a panda. The King and Panda blink. The King screams as the Panda roars in fright.] ***** [Scene: a lavish bedroom. A very large bed covered with white silk sheets occupies the middle of the room. No one is present.] Narrator: Ha! Serves them right. [The door opens and Westley and Buttercup enter. Westley closes the door.] Buttercup: What were our fathers thinking? Westley: I dunno. Must have been another one of Pops' crazy ideas. Narrator: We're live. Westley: Oops! Ah... I... [Buttercup gets back into character and fiercely hugs Westley. They both freeze as they realize what she just did.] Narrator: [Teasing.] Has anyone every told you that you make the cutest couple? [Westley and Buttercup blush and scoot away. They look away from each other. The remain silent for a few moments.] Buttercup: Well, I don't guess the wedding would have been so bad. [Westley looks at Buttercup in horror.] Buttercup: [Quietly.] With the right person at my side. [Westley's look changes to surprise and he smiles at Buttercup.] Westley: You know- [The door is blown of its hinges and Prince Humperdinck strides through, wearing a kendo outfit and surrounded by a red aura.] Humperdinck: Hold rascal! I shall not let you abscond with the Princess Buttercup! [Humperdinck charges towards Westley, bringing his katana to bare.] Westley: [Annoyed.] That's it! [Westley dodges Humperdinck's attack and raises a fist into the air.] Westley: Hiryuu Shouten Ha! [A spiral of wind picks Humperdinck up and slams him into the roof of the room. He then falls to the floor, unconscious.] Buttercup: You know, you could at least try to stay in character! Westley: [Confused.] What'd I do? Buttercup: You're supposed to still be weak from death! Westley: [Smirks.] Well in that case, I definitely used the right technique. Besides, can I help it if I recover so fast from being such a great martial artist? Buttercup: [Angry.] I ought to- Narrator: Isn't it about time that you two rode into the sunset or something? [Buttercup's anger deflates and she sighs. Turing and looking out of the room's window, she sees an empty courtyard.] Buttercup: Aren't there supposed to be some horses down there? Westley: [Standing beside her.] I know they were there earlier. I wonder what happened to them. [Scene: a line of five horses galloping into the sunset. The front horse has a rider, the others have large treasure chests strapped to them.] Narrator: And they all lived... uh... happily ever after? [The horses slow and the rider, Yellin, turns to face the camera.] Yellin: Of course. But some lived more happily than others. [She grins and urges her horse forward.] Narrator: The End. Westley: [Off screen.] Hey! What about us? Narrator: Oh, yes. I nearly forgot. [Scene: the honeymoon suite in the palace. Humperdinck is still unconscious.] Narrator: And the two lovebirds walked to school, holding each others' hands. Buttercup & Westley: [Utterly confused.] Huh? [The wall next to the open door explodes and Physique, Iniga, and Princess Angelina enter. They immediately glomp onto Westley.] Physique: Airen! Iniga: Wes-chan! Angelina: Sir Westley! [Fade to black.] Westley: [Off screen.] You call that an ending?! [Cue ending music, "Wag the Dog" by Mark Knopfler.] Westley: [Frustrated, off screen.] Can't you at least get the music right? Narrator: [Defensively.] Well, it's the correct author. Yellin: [Off screen.] Makes perfect sense to me. Cast Buttercup: Tendou Akane Westley/Girl in Black/Ryouko: Saotome Ranma Physique: Shampoo Iniga Montoya: Kuonji Ukyou Vizzini: Pantyhose Tarou Prince Humperdinck: Kunou Tatewaki Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the Third: Kunou Kodachi Count Rugen: Saotome Genma Booing Woman: Tendou Kasumi Miracle Max: Happosai Valerie: Cologne Unimpressive Clergyman: Principal Kunou King: Tendou Souun Yellin: Tendou Nabiki Voice of Narrator: Josh 'I tricked you into reading an SI!' Green Propmen: Hibiki Ryouga Mousse Kenzan Konatsu H.O.U.S. Performer: Katsunishiki Narrator: Ya'll come back now, ya hear? Ranma 1/2 copyright Takahashi Rumiko, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Communications. "The Princess Bride" copyright Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.